Butterflies Inside

Dress: Restored Vintage by Denisio Truitt (@denisiotruitt, @dopeciety), Coin Ring: Jordan Lewis (@_wiredandstoned) Photography: Malik Bartholomew (@phrozen_photography)

 

As I'm over here wishing to feel butterflies inside...

Butterflies keep passing me by

I see the signs

My life is divine

What is time?

But a blink of an eye

A rapid flutter of a butterfly wing

I'm guilty

Limiting myself to this imaginary hourglass

My mind forcing me to make every moment last

But that one moment will never last 

As I reach, it's has already passed. 

My ancestors are telling me

Showing me

Why can't I see

Because time

A restriction of what I can and cannot do

Within a limited space that I move through 

When really my space is infinite

And my mind is encouraging this timidness

But what I really want is...

To reach, to see, to feel, to be,

To love, to learn, to build, to earn,

To grow, to give, to care, to live 

To receive all that is already mine

This life is divine

This time...

I'm waiting to feel my light flicker

But I'm already lit

Waiting to be somebody else, but I'm already IT

Seeing the signs but am I really comprehending?

Am I sewing through threads that need to be mended?

All that I truly want, is already mine 

The stars in my galaxy have already aligned

As I'm over here wishing for a miracle to see

These butterflies are trying to show that the miracle is ME.

-C.M. Hamilton

Body and Soul

Wardrobe by: Haus of PRDMS, Photography By: Jeremy Tauriac

 

Tender heart

Solid soul

Sharp tongue

Soft lips

Vibrant spirit

Fragile feelings

Vivid thoughts

Wild dreams

Active mind

Keen eye

Steady hands

Quick feet

Tender. Solid. Sharp. Soft.

Vibrant. Fragile. Vivid. Wild.

Active. Keen. Steady. Quick.


My body and my soul.

 

-C.M.Hamilton (circa 2016)

To The One's Who've Broken My Heart...

You've put me through physical, emotional, and psychological pain

Wounds that I've barely allowed to heal

You've ripped my heart out a million times

And I've casually handed it right back to you

Whyyy???

How had I allowed this?

 

I guess the beauty that I saw in you , I couldn't see in me

And I was blinded from the nastiness that you gave back,

You gifted me only a piece of yourself and I gladly accepted

Because my wide open heart wanted to fill in the cavities of yours

 

Though...You've taught me a lot

Without you, I wouldn't know that I shouldn't give my heart to just anyone

That I needed to love myself more than I loved you

Without you, I wouldn't know that as tender and fragile as I can be, that at the end of it all I would actually be able to breathe again

 

From you, I've learned that my significance is not measured by the attention you give.

Or lack there of...

I know that even though my light was dimmed, it still shined brighter than yours

I know that I can not fault you for me not loving myself enough

I've learned that my heart is far more flexible than the credit I give

That without you, I am a million times better

That without you, I am myself again

That without you, I am without grief, doubt, suspicion, insecurity...

 

Without you I am whole again

You broke my heart so that I could learn how to value it.  


 

Wash Away

Dress: Express, Necklace: Vintage Lucky Brand, Scarf, Ring, & Bangles: Vintage, Shoes: TopShop, Photography by Larry Everage ( larryeverage.com)

 

 

 

 

 

Wash Away

All the grief and the sadness
All the craziness and madness
All the guilt and regrets
All the tricks and losing bets

Wash Away

I cleanse myself of any pain
To make room for future gain
My body will remain
My soul will retain...
My heart will sustain

I'll wash away with all my tears
Any doubt and any fears
Accumulated through the years
My faith never steers
Though my path may switch gears

Wash Away

Let the lessons of my youth
Be the only living proof
That my future has no roof
My past does not define my truth

                                                 Wash Away                                                  

-C.M.Hamilton

Wildheart

Dress: Hand-me-down, Shoes:  Elisabetta Franchi for Celyn b , Earrings: Funky Monkey , Rings: (right hand) Hand-me-down (left hand) Junkmasters , Lipstick: Eggplantish by Magnolia Makeup , Photography by: Taylor DeClue 

 

"Maybe some girls aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they are supposed to run wild until they find someone just as wild to run with."

 

My heart is like a jungle.

Mysterious and wild.

Exotic and wet.

Tropic and temperamental.

Never dry. 

Remote. Dense. Secluded.

Overgrown.

My heart can never be tamed.

It should never be tolerated.

Travelers must take heed 

For you will see

The ever-inconsistencies

Of the heavy rainfalls and wild animals.

My heart must be met.

It must be matched.

It is free.

It is open...

And closed at the same time... 

Never interrupt the rhythm my jungle.

Follow the beat of the drums and the pluck of the strings.

Beautiful things, you'll find

In the shadows of the night. 

And under the shade of the trees.

Only the brave can sustain. 

Survival of the fittest.

 

These Walls

Romper: Summer Halves, Handbag: Coach, Shoes: Aldo Shoes

Photography by Scott Simon of iHeartNola (Ig: @iheartnola)

"If these walls could talk they'd tell me to go deep
Yelling at me continuously I can see
Your defense mechanism is my decision
Knock these walls down that's my religion
Walls feeling like they ready to close in
I suffocate then catch my second wind
I resonate in these walls
I don't know how long I can wait in these walls..."

-These Walls by Kendrick Lamar

Protective. Guarded. Private. Three sides of my personality that are easily misconstrued. Protective? Yes, because I've been through many battles with other people. Guarded? Yes, because I've been through enough battles with myself. Private? Absolutely, because my business is just that...MINE. These walls of mine have been in construction since before I could even grasp the concept that "not everyone is going to like you." 

I was that shy, awkward little girl in a predominantly black elementary school, that the kids would tease; because I dressed differently, spoke proper English, and was so sensitive that if you even looked at me funny, I'd burst into tears. The girls would exclude me because I was too different and the boys didn't look my way because I wasn't the shade they considered attractive . So I'd play by myself and sneak off to my favorite art teacher's T-building, to catch up on my latest creations.

*grabs brick and mortar* *starts building*  

I was STILL that shy and awkward girl in a predominantly black middle school, that the kids couldn't really figure out. There were kids I considered friends, but looking back, I don't know if the feeling was ever mutual on their end. I was a late bloomer, so the boys still didn't look my way and at this age the girls had become more blunt about their exclusion. So I would just keep myself involved in extracurricular activities (art, yearbook staff, piano, service cubs, etc.).

*Insecurities [Walls] gradually building*

I was that young girl in a culturally diverse, (and academically esteemed) high school, that felt like I finally had room to be who I always felt I was on the inside. I wasn't the smartest, but I was average. Most of my peers still didn't understand me but there were some (that still have a place in my life) that saw more in me; even more than I saw in myself. I started getting a little bit of attention from boys, but by that time I'd already convinced myself that I was unattractive and that their interest masked their ulterior motives. Still petite, small boobs, skinny legs, not at all what the boys wanted (or so I thought). I was friends with a variety of groups, but I don't think I was ever really a part of any of them. I liked many of my peers and actively sought approval/friendships from them. I can't say that the efforts were reciprocated, but at the time I didn't care because at least they liked me [from what I wanted to believe]. I kept myself involved in dance and visual arts, using them as my safeguard.

11 years later... *walls all the way up*

I'm a young adult now. Still awkward and shy, with a touch of extrovert. Still misunderstood, but no longer caring what people think. Still learning how to love and find myself, while accepting love from others. Still kind and open to making new friends and having more success with it. I'm connecting with like-minded individuals and disconnecting with bad habits and broken friendships. I've been gradually finding success in the dating department, though the lessons are ever overflowing. [Come through lessons!!] I've grown to be more comfortable in my skin; loving my body more and more [*checks ass and thighs in the mirror* Yep, I'm good!]. I've now accepted the fact that I am indeed VERY different [self-proclaimed wierdo], and have learned to embrace all that comes with it. I've been gravitating more toward sincere and positive relationships. The Universe seems to agree with me. I'm trusting myself more, and from that becoming more trusted by others.  

Balance is the key.

These Walls that appear to have barricaded my life, are not necessarily keeping people out. They're only creating a boundary; a hurdle for those who are brave enough to try crossing. It's perfectly healthy to have boundaries, but maybe not-so healthy to keep people out. So I guess I can say that I've started building bridges over those walls. So people can easily cross over and get to know the real Christine Marie Hamilton. The walls are certainly not  going anywhere. Tolls will be paid in understanding, openness, love, joy, and will be reciprocated to all those who are willing to share it. Welcome to my life! 

xoxo 

  

Intentional Intentions

Top: Goodwill, Pants: Forever XXI, Sandals: TopShop, Sunglasses: French Quarter Market, Bag: Dopeciety

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." -Nelson Mandela
 

I'll be entering the last year of my twenties in about a month and I can literally feel it. My body is changing, my patience level has gotten more tolerable (roughly), and have found myself being more clear about my wants and needs. In the past I'd find difficulty determining exactly what all that entails. Everyday I'd pray for an abundance of love, joy, and success. But what all does that include? Am I being to general? Too vague? Am I confusing the Universe by not being clear with my intentions?  

A girlfriend and I were chatting about settling the other day. She vowed to be more conscious about her needs and is now practicing the art of "not settling." Applying it to every aspect of her life, from major life-altering decision-making, to deciding what brand to get of your favorite pancakes at the grocery store. She said if she wanted the Universe to understand her intentions, she needed to be more clear about them. If I go to the bar, order a Stella Artois and the bartender says they're out, I can't settle for a Bud Light. One because Bud Light is disgusting, [eck] but also because that's not truly what I want. See, I'd already tasted the crisp flavor of the Stella, touching the tips of my tastebuds. I'm not going to settle and go with something I don't really want. And no this was not a hypothetical situation, I'm at Outback right now writing this and I'm a little salty about it [I digress]. 

The fact of the matter is, my friend inspired me to try this method out. I pray and put my intentions out into the Universe everyday. If I want reciprocity, I better be putting out the right thing. I want an abundance of love, joy, and success. So I'm going to ask for it and I'm going to be VERY specific about it. I'm going to be more open and honest with myself and others. I'm going to create the life I want for myself. It's no one's responsibility, but mine. I'm holding myself accountable. Putting my big girl panties on and taking control of my life. Today I wanted my favorite steak from Outback. So, I took myself to Outback and got my favorite steak. Simple as that. [I clearly know the way to my own heart...] 

C. M. Hamilton

Flowerbomb

Jumpsuit: Billy Reid, Necklace: Buffalo Exchange, Handbag: Coach, Shoes: Aldo Shoes

Photography By : Clint Blane (Ig: @clintblane)

 

If you water them, they will grow... 

From bud, to blossom, to bloom

Kissed by the sun

Sprinkled with sweet tears from the sky

Sprouting bursts of perky petals

Alive and vibrant

 

Striking beauty

Graceful and stylish

Like Earth's accessories

Alluring in fragrance

Sexy, seductive, and succulent

Colorfully confident

Calm and coy 

Effortlessly vain

Strong and stable, 

Yet so soft and fragile

 

I want to love you like flowers grow

Fertilize your life

Feed your heart

Water your mind

Give you light...

Nurture you with care

Keep you grounded

From the roots to the tips of your petals

I want to give you trust

And faith 

That I am only here to help you grow

And be beautiful 

...I'm learning how to be a better gardener...

 

 

 

 

 

   

  

 

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

Complex Simplicity

Top & Necklace: Forever XXI, Pants: Buffalo Exchange, Handbag: Thrifted

Photographed by: Danielle "Lil Bit" Miles

"Everything is simpler than you think and at the same time more complex than you imagine."
(Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

Life is just complex simplicity. It's a compilation of experiences turned lessons, moments turned memories...There are so many details to life, yet so little effort needed to actually live it. Some of the simplest things we often make so complicated...like love for instance... How complicated should it be just to love? Love is effortless. It exists without any attempt. It is something we are born with, given to share, and carry with us everyday. There is no real excuse for why we make it so complicated. 

As natural as it comes, the practice of love can be a bit challenging. Especially in an environment where it's not so easy to translate. Love does not exist where there is hate. We must create it. Manifestation is a real thing. 

My life is filled with many stories of hurt, pain, disloyalties, and unnecessary drama. There have been many days where I've allowed my insecurities to consume me, and my actions may have a reflection of that. My energy may have been low making me infectious to myself and others. Those days are difficult. We can't always be happy or proud of ourselves. But as I've matured, I've learned that those days are necessary. Without them I would not continue to grow. Those days are the fertilizer to my blooming life. I've learned that those days I need some alone time. Time to recharge my batteries and get back in touch with who I am and what my purpose is. Even though sometimes I may feel like my world is crumbling down, the only constant that remains is love. I may be down, but I am loved. I may be sad, but I am loved. I may be broken, but I am loved. And with love in my heart I will always be ok. 

So, maybe the complexity lies in the lack of faith that love exists. Or the idea that our lives are these giant mazes that we're racing through; with dead ends, trick doors, and no maps to guide us. The truth is our lives are bigger than us. All we're here to do is give love and receive our destinies. We shouldn't put so much time and effort into what we can not control. It is written. Instead of complicating life with the whys and why nots, let's accept what IS and engage more in the practice of love. 

Love yourselves: because to give and receive love you must BE love. Love your friends and foes: because they need to be reminded of the love that lies inside of them. Love your family: because you were created by them through love and reciprocity keeps it flowing. Love your life: because it's sacred. It's yours and no one else's. Soak it up. Sop it up. Ingest and digest it. Center your life around love. Be carefree, be gentle, be kind to yourself, have fun, laugh a lot, share moments, make memories. As complicated as life may seem, know that you can get through anything with love. It's as simple as that. 

 

Pattern Maker

Blouse: DVF Vintage by way of Buffalo Exchange, Pants: Forever XXI, Necklace: Vintage, Shoes: Elisabetta Franchi for Celyn b.

Photography by: Danielle "Lil Bit" Miles

I'm admittedly a creature of habit. I know what I like, I typically stick to what I know, & my behavior is seemingly predictable. I have somewhat quirky patterns, like voluntarily sleeping on my couch [because it's convenient and comfortable] and then relocating to my bed at about 5am every morning. I repeatedly watch every season of Sex and the City on DVD, because its my favorite show and I'm sick of reality tv [and I also don't have wifi *tear*]. I eat French fries after 11p almost every night, because duh...FRENCH FRIES! Every Wed. I go to Jamba Juice for Loyalty Day and buy a $3 Energy Bowl [because I'm devoted and loyal to places that offer solid discounts]...

Then there are some not-so healthy, more life-altering patterns...like immediately stressing myself out about something before even attempting to see a silver lining. I give people waaaay too many chances, probably because I'm more patient with other people than I am with myself [the sensitive Cancer sign in me]. I overthink/over-plan EVERYTHING before going into it [ meanwhile life is looking at me like "Girl please"]. I'm extra hard on myself and often overlook the progress I've made because I'm too focused on the end result. 

I'm not perfect [cliche, but true], but it's important that I recognize my patterns in life: good and not-so good. By knowingmy patterns, I'm able to address and access them. I'm perfectly ok with watching Sex and the City everyday on repeat, but maybe sometimes I'll read a good book or do some writing instead. French fries will ALWAYS be my guilty pleasure, but cutting back a bit may do my body some good. I'll always be caring and considerate [its in my make] but I should probably be more assertive and particular about who I allow into my personal space. I'm a Type A personality, so order is necessary for me to function, but maybe I should put more trust in my instinct. It always steers me in the right direction [whenever I do follow it]. And maybe, just maybe I should cut myself a little...a lot more slack. I'm doing really well for myself and I am proud of my accomplishments in life thus far. 

The key to a healthy life is balance; In all aspects. Recognizing your patterns is the first step to changing them. I'm a creature of habit, but spontaneity and "going with the flow" can be quite invigorating. My reoccurring personal task will be to make a pattern out of breaking old patterns and trust in the natural course my life is taking. I will keep my eyes open and fresh. I'll take on new ventures and ideas. I'm blessed with only ONE life to live. It's important that I make it the best. 

Xoxo

Louisiana Love Letter

Dress: Handmade by CMH, Bodychain: Thrifted, Jacket: H&M, Shoes: Elisabetta Franchi for Celyn b.

Photography by: Larry Everage (Ig: @larryeverage, website: LarryEverage.com)

There's no place like Louisiana. I love the easy-going, steady flowing, laissez faire vibe this place exudes. The thick wet air keeps my skin so moist & my curls tightly coiled. Whether it be the elevated temperature or the pride of the people, but it seems to always be warm down here. The language is so foreign, in yet so familiar. Down here we speak with character. Our voices are loud because we need our words to be felt AND heard. Our tone is sharp because that's how our minds work. We laugh from our guts. We love from the bottom of our hearts. We hug instead of shake hands. We drink because we're alive and able. We celebrate EVERYTHING and for everything there is a festival.

And the food...Louisiana tastes like dark rues, deep fried seafood, smothered anything, stuffed whatever, flavored with the elites of peppers & spice. And it's always cooked from the depths of someone's soul. Our food is so powerfully healing. You can taste the World in every bite. Our people are strong but stubborn. We're self-righteous but serving. We believe in whatever we believe and what you believe better be what we believe. We pride ourselves on history, tradition, and culture. Though sides of that don't reflect the open views of modern-day society, there's still hope for a fair future.

There's a reason why many leave Louisiana, but there's also reason why we stay. There's a lot of magic in the air down here and the potential for growth is in foresight. I often feel like a big fish in a small pond. Though I may not live down here forever, while I am here I'm gonna swim as many laps around this pond as I possibly can. I pride myself on being from Louisiana. It is every part of who I am. Wherever I go, with me I'll always bring a piece of home.

 

   

 

 

    

Mio Amore

Dress: Michael Kors, Jacket: Forever 21, Shoes: Bakers 

Photographer : Brandon Joseph (IG: @gr8mnd_)

 

Mio Amore. My Love. 

My love is pure like virgin sugar cane nectar.

My heart is deeper than the Pacific.

So why is love such a challenge?

Maybe it's the barricade keeping my feelings a little past arms reach 

Or my pride playing tug of war with my emotions

Maybe it's the lack of trust.

Trust in myself. Trust in faith...

The truth is, love is a challenge because I'm looking in all the wrong places.

I'm searching in signs, cosmic connections, energy exchanges

When all signs are leading to me

And the Universe is just giving me more time

And my energy levels are fluctuating,

Because I'm ignoring all the stars that are aligned in my own galaxy. 

The best kind of love is self love.

I must give myself the kind of love I wish to receive. 

If I can't love me, then who the hell else will? 

I'm not waiting on love. Love is waiting on me. 

Waiting on me to realize that it's already within me.

I was born with it. I breathe with it. I give with it. I live with it.

My love is ME. 

Amore mio sono io

xoxo

 

  

 

The Gentlewoman

Glasses: Warby Parker, Shirt: J. Crew, Pants: American Apparel, Jacket & Suspenders: Thrifted, Scarf & Socks: Billy Reid, Boots: Steve Madden by way of DSW, Ring: Time Warp BoutiqueHandbag:

Photographed by: Larry Everage (Ig: @larryeverage, website: LarryEverage.com)

 

Gen·tle·wom·an: noun, a woman of high social standing

Dandy as a gent in his finest threads

Dappered down to my toes 

Blazers & suspenders

Fine, divine, and debonair

Androgynous

Anti-misogyenous

A dwindlin' of my feminine

A a touch of testosterone

I've always had a strong appreciation for menswear. The lines and structure, coupled with the practicality and multi-functionality. It’s powerful. As a teenager, I remember my dad teaching me how to tie a necktie. Then, I'd sneak into his closet and "borrow" one to wear to school. I'd pair it with a blazer from my very extensive collection, throw on some jeans and sneakers and then feel so fly walking down the hallway. Back in my punk/rock fashion stage (post high school/college), I'd wear plaid newsboy hats and either black suspenders or a pinstripe vest over my graphic tees. I was CLEARLY making a statement. I've been known to be adventurous and push boundaries with my personal style. I have an androgynous taste in fashion. It's a reflection of my semi-guys' girl, borderline tomboy personality. Yet, I remain all woman. 

Word.






    

A Time To Live

Sweater: Forever XXI, Necklace: Tooth & Nail Trading Co., Scarf: Vintage

 

What a time to be alive! I'm in good health, I have a solid support system, my personal and professional relationships are exactly where I'd like them to be. This life right here is too legit. I was asked recently, "If you could be any age for the rest of your life, what age would it be?" I said 28; the age I am now. I'm in the prime of my life and it feels fanfuckintastic. In the past I always waited for life to happen. I waited for opportunities to come, for love to find me, for my time to come. I never realized that my time has always been NOW. If I want that opportunity I have to reach for it. If I want love, I have to love myself first. When I think about the dreams that I review with God and the Universe every night, I realize that it means I need to be ready when those dreams start coming true. I'm always very careful about what I ask for and put out into the Universe, because I'm practically curating my own life. Patience is challenging, but timing is everything. And in my 28 years of existence I've finally learned that the time to live is right now.